"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
