i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
