Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
