she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
