I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
