Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
