bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
