At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
