Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
