thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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