Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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