Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
