My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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