So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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