i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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