I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
