I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
