Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
