Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
