I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
