she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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