I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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