Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
