i think my mom watched the whole time
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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