Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
