dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
