So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
