Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
