i need an iv and a liver transplant
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
