His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
