There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she peed on how many people?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Randomize
