Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
