He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
