i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
