My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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