My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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