the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
