Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
