seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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