I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
