got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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