i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
