I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
