she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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