Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
