Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
