i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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