Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
