Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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