I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
