Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
