When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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