So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
