I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
