theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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