i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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