Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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