He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
