I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
we should paint friendship bongs
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