Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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