You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
