I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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