What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize