Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
