woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
